Yes. An entire year later and I am in such a different place than I was.
- I’ve been divorced a year.
- I had my tailbone removed in February and I am 98% pain free! HOLY SHIT!
- I had closure from a relationship I had 25 years ago – that was necessary, but painful.
- I am super single and loving it but still have a lot of emotional baggage to work through.
Emotional baggage sucks because I can’t figure out how to get past it. Being single has given me some great opportunities to focus on me. Unfortunately, I’ve put on more weight but I’m so happy. Go figure.
Anyway – back to the emotional baggage. I do enjoy my alone time. I am not lonely – at all. But I do miss having someone who is always around. Someone to share things with. Silly things, serious things, daily things………sexual things.
And I’m still so insecure about so many aspects of myself that I don’t know if someone would want any part of that. Or if I could even trust someone with that part of me.
When I reconnected with my lost love last December, it was wonderful. All those feelings when I was 19 came back to me BUT he had a metric shit ton of baggage. But I wanted him. I wanted it to be the way it was. I wanted to love him and trust him – and I did. And he let me down – big time. He left me after promising me he would love me forever. He went back to the abusive woman he said he didn’t love or have feelings for. The one who tortured him, abused him mentally. He left me for that. And he didn’t even do it to my face.
He did it via text, the day after my major spine surgery, on Valentine’s Day.
It hurt. I cried. I curled up on my couch and cried. All stitched up and healing from MAJOR surgery. He left me.
Must be something wrong with me, right?
Well, now I don’t trust anyone, particularly men, and my walls are tall and thick and barb wired. I have zero interest in pursuing a relationship for that one main reason and then a bunch of little ones.
First, I still feel like I’m cheating on my ex. Stupid, I know. But I think it has to do with the fact that he lives so effen close to me. Less than a mile to be exact. And while he can’t drive (no license), he’s right there.
And his family drops in, unannounced, so my luck I’d be riding someone like a cowgirl on my living room couch – and they’d walk in. Ooops.
These are stupid insignificant reasons – but I have to work my way through them. I can and do have the right to move on. I’m not doing that. And am I doing myself a disservice by not doing that? I don’t know. Again, I am NOT lonely but I am needy.
I need the affection and attention but I don’t feel like I could reciprocate to someone because that means being vulnerable and I don’t trust yet.
Vicious circle isn’t it?
Things are really good in my life today. I have a wonderful new job with very minimal stress and pressure and fantastic hours so I can be available for my son.
He’s getting older and more independent.
I’m working on putting together a lot of self care for me and I’m making progress. Slow and steady.
I’m excited to see how this year wraps up, actually. I’ll try my best to keep you posted!