A Year Later…

Yes. An entire year later and I am in such a different place than I was.

  • I’ve been divorced a year.
  • I had my tailbone removed in February and I am 98% pain free! HOLY SHIT!
  • I had closure from a relationship I had 25 years ago – that was necessary, but painful.
  • I am super single and loving it but still have a lot of emotional baggage to work through.

Emotional baggage sucks because I can’t figure out how to get past it. Being single has given me some great opportunities to focus on me. Unfortunately, I’ve put on more weight but I’m so happy. Go figure.

Anyway – back to the emotional baggage. I do enjoy my alone time. I am not lonely – at all. But I do miss having someone who is always around. Someone to share things with. Silly things, serious things, daily things………sexual things.

And I’m still so insecure about so many aspects of myself that I don’t know if someone would want any part of that. Or if I could even trust someone with that part of me.

When I reconnected with my lost love last December, it was wonderful. All those feelings when I was 19 came back to me BUT he had a metric shit ton of baggage. But I wanted him. I wanted it to be the way it was. I wanted to love him and trust him – and I did. And he let me down – big time. He left me after promising me he would love me forever. He went back to the abusive woman he said he didn’t love or have feelings for. The one who tortured him, abused him mentally. He left me for that. And he didn’t even do it to my face.

He did it via text, the day after my major spine surgery, on Valentine’s Day.

BOOM.

It hurt. I cried. I curled up on my couch and cried. All stitched up and healing from MAJOR surgery. He left me.

Abandoned again.

Must be something wrong with me, right?

Well, now I don’t trust anyone, particularly men, and my walls are tall and thick and barb wired. I have zero interest in pursuing a relationship for that one main reason and then a bunch of little ones.

First, I still feel like I’m cheating on my ex. Stupid, I know. But I think it has to do with the fact that he lives so effen close to me. Less than a mile to be exact. And while he can’t drive (no license), he’s right there.

And his family drops in, unannounced, so my luck I’d be riding someone like a cowgirl on my living room couch – and they’d walk in.  Ooops.

These are stupid insignificant reasons – but I have to work my way through them. I can and do have the right to move on. I’m not doing that. And am I doing myself a disservice by not doing that? I don’t know. Again, I am NOT lonely but I am needy.

I need the affection and attention but I don’t feel like I could reciprocate to someone because that means being vulnerable and I don’t trust yet.

Vicious circle isn’t it?

Things are really good in my life today. I have a wonderful new job with very minimal stress and pressure and fantastic hours so I can be available for my son.

He’s getting older and more independent.

I’m working on putting together a lot of self care for me and I’m making progress. Slow and steady.

I’m excited to see how this year wraps up, actually. I’ll try my best to keep you posted!

 

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Three months and a lifetime of change

Well, I am officially divorced. Not legally, but officially. I actually ended up filing before we went away to New Hampshire. It was the most emotional thing I’ve done in a long time. You see, my first ex husband (clearly I’m collecting them now since I have a 2nd one) – left me. He made the decision to leave me. It was a different kind of pain. I got through it.

This time *I* was the one filing. *I* was the one ending things and it wasn’t what I WANTED to do. I wanted him to fight for me, fight for us, fight for our family. But he didn’t want to. He gave up. I couldn’t continue to fight for nothing.

So I filed and I was planning on telling him a few weeks after we got back from our weekend to visit my stepdaughter. BUT the court system has a funny way of screwing with you because on the following Wednesday he sent a text informing me that he received the divorce hearing.

And my heart sank.

Because I don’t go around intentionally hurting people. And I hurt him. Badly. I knew exactly how he was feeling and it was my fault.

It really wasn’t – because he knew I was going to file at some point, but my people pleasing, anxiety filled ways made me feel as if I was intentionally hurting him. It took me a few weeks to get over that.

Our first court date was August 9th. The judge wouldn’t allow it because in MA you can’t waive child support. We were trying to make it an ‘even trade’ – I get the full equity in the house (about $80k) and he doesn’t have to pay child support. My thought process was simple. I wasn’t going to chase money when I knew he wasn’t going to be working. When he is working I am entitled to $200/week  but do you know how long I’d have to chase that? And honestly I don’t have it in me to fight for money. Even though it isn’t for me – it’s for our son – it doesn’t matter. The energy and negativity surrounding that fight isn’t worth it to me.

Back to the judge – she requested we hire an attorney to rewrite the separation agreement. *cha-ching* – another $1k out of my pocket and a month later we’re back in front of a new judge.

I joked with EX and said that if they don’t allow us to get divorced THIS time, we’re just going to be legally married forever.

It almost didn’t happen again.

This judge felt it was *unfair* to my EX that he wasn’t getting any of the equity from the house and that he felt it was only *fair* to him that I am not allowed to request a modification of the current child support (which is $25/week) unless and until EX makes at least $1k per week.

*blink blink stare*

So basically he just told my EX not to work for $1k per week and he only has to pay $25 per week – (which by the way he is already 3 weeks behind – where’s my $75?!?!?!)

And because I don’t want to deal with this stupid bullshit any longer I agreed. Fuck it. I have a 15 year mortgage on my house – I’m rapidly paying that principle down – and I am going to rake in that fucking money when I sell in 5 years. Asshole!

The only person that gets screwed here is our son because his father isn’t man enough to realize the money ISN’T FOR ME! IT’S FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could go on and on but the divorce was approved and it won’t be *legal* until January 8th. Stupid but that’s MA law for you.

Since then I have just been trying to focus on my own needs and what makes me happy and right now being single without drama makes me happy. Focusing on my son and raising him to be an independent, strong young man, makes me happy. My animals make me happy.

I have a LOT of resentment for my EX. I have to learn to let that go. I hate when people don’t understand how their actions hurt others. My son doesn’t know anything about the divorce, just that we are officially divorced. I keep the communication open and positive between EX and myself but I’ll tell you – he doesn’t go out of his way to see or talk to his son – and he only lives .8 of a mile away from us. That drives me nuts! But that’s his cross to bear and I just have to continue to count my blessings that my son is the way he is and that most nights he is safely sleeping in the room next to mine. (Sometimes he goes to his friend’s house) 🙂

 

 

I suck. As always

Over 2 months and I haven’t updated. I’m sorry. Lots has happened. My beautiful stepkid graduated high school! YAY!

STBX has had a court hearing for his DUI and the attorney feels he can get him off. Great. Stupid fucking legal system.

I am 99.9% ready to file for divorce. I am meeting my notary tomorrow to finalize the documents. I had gone to file back in June but I was missing some significant pieces of information and while the courthouse employees were very helpful, after running back and forth between the legal library and the courthouse, I was too emotionally exhausted to finish filing and I went home and cried.

I’ve been crying a lot lately. Not in front of anybody but to myself. Alone.

I am embarrassed about having to file for divorce. I fucking hate this with the power of 1,000 suns. I hate that he doesn’t fight for me. I hate that he doesn’t fight for US. I hate that he doesn’t fight for our children. I hate that I have to be the one still having hope that we can make this work (WE CAN’T – this is part of me healing) I hate that I have to work so hard and feel guilty that my son doesn’t have me as much as he used to. I hate that my son has to live without a father in his home every day. I hate how I don’t trust anyone. I hate that I can’t depend on someone to be in my life and take care of me. I HATE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING BIT OF IT

But at the same time I am loving being single. I love coming home to MY home and having it be peaceful and full of the people, animals and things I love. It’s my safe haven. I love not having to check with someone if I want to make plans. I love being able to just be me and not worry if I’m awkward. I love being in control of my environment.

We’re supposed to go to New Hampshire this weekend to visit his daughter. She moved up there after she graduated to pursue her passion with horses. I know the mother fucker has been taking something as he was acting completely out of it yesterday and the last thing I want to do is take him and spend the night with him so he can have what he really doesn’t deserve. I’ve decided that if he acts that way when I go to pick him up on Saturday he isn’t going. I am NOT ruining my stepdaughter’s visit with his addicted self. NOT DOING IT.

Why can’t I just cut this emotional connection with him? Why can’t I just move on and pursue what makes me happy?

I’ve decided that after meeting with my notary tomorrow, I’m going to sneak away and file. Fuck it. Just going to do it and rip the band aid off. I’m going to be out of the office anyway – I’ll take PTO if I need to.

 

 

I shouldn’t have done that 

I kissed him goodbye this morning. I shouldn’t have done that. 

My heart hurts. I miss him. His face was one of true sadness and all I wanted was to take him in a room, alone, get naked and just have him hold me. Expose the raw vulnerability of each of us. 

But I can’t. And I won’t. But I wanted to 

I kissed him goodbye. Nothing major. Just a quick goodbye kiss. I didn’t think twice about it. But it hit me like a truck. I shouldn’t have done that. 

All day I’ve thought of him. Wanting him to tell me he loves me and just make things ok, if for only 5 minutes. I am feeling abandoned and seeing him needing me made that feeling worse. I know it’s not reality. I know if I called him and he came over it would be physically amazing but it would set me back even further. And it would give him the impression this could work. 

It can’t. It won’t ever be the same. Ever. 

And that just fucking hurts. 

So I ate my feelings again today. 

Tomorrow is a new day. 

A little emotional

I finally put away my wedding rings last night. I had kept them in their “spot” in my little bucket in the kitchen. That’s where I would take them off at the end of the day and put them on in the morning. I couldn’t wear them at night because the prongs were too high and sharp.

As I was searching for my Fitbit to charge, I saw them at the bottom of the bucket. I picked them up and put them on one last time and was sad. They are beautiful, for sure. And I was so proud to wear them. I’ve done so many amazing things as a married woman and they represented the strength and endurance and love I had/have for this man.

I put them in a box in my jewelry cabinet and shed a tear.

And last night I had such a vivid dream that he came back to me, but he was everything I wanted and needed. We snuggled together and it was SO real that when I rolled over to reach for him – I truly felt like he would be there.

He wasn’t.

And I was very very sad.

It’s part of the process. It’s probably harder now because he’s NOT dead so I have to live with the fact that he will never come home or ever be that person I wanted/needed him to be.

Some day I will have my ring(s) made into something – perhaps a pendant of some sort. Or save them for my son/stepkid to use – I don’t know.

I’m just dealing with lots of raw emotional feelings this week and it’s hard.

I’m also in agonizing pain with my tailbone and back this week, too. I’ve been eating like a hippo on vacation and I guarantee I’ve put back on some weight I worked hard to take off but it’s just a bump in the road – but it makes me upset that I do that to myself. Part of my growth…

Update – Same shit – different day

STBX had his court date last Wednesday. He was supposed to call me after. I never got a call so around 3pm I called his mother figuring she would have some idea as to what was going on.

Apparently it did not go well.

First off he had gotten shitfaced the night before and showed up to the hearing hung over. Great job, dickhead.

Second, the judge included his 1st DUI, which now had him at 3 DUI’s which means he was facing 2.5 years in jail and losing his license indefinitely. The rules when you refuse the breathalyzer are different than if you had actually blown into it. So he got home from court and continued drinking.

I stopped by on my way home around 6:30 pm because MIL had picked up my dump sticker for me and he was shitfaced on the couch. I just rolled my eyes. He wanted to go to the hospital. I wasn’t taking him. I had called his sponsor in AA and left.

MIL calls me around 8:30pm and said that STBX got into his truck (drunk) and was going to drive himself to the ER. I hung up and called the police.

I let it be for the night.

The next morning MIL called me and said STBX never came home the night before and could I call and see if I could find him. *ugh* I told her I would – reluctantly because I didn’t give a shit.

The police never picked him up

And he somehow made it to the ER where, at that time, they were getting ready to admit him. I told her that and let it be.

She called me later that day to let me know that her granddaughter had called him to check up and he said they were transporting him to a hospital away from where we lived. I was grateful for that and she went on to say it was so sad because nobody was able to tell him goodbye and he was all alone…

Say what?

Are you fucking kidding me? Listen. I know you’re his mother but at some point he loses the right for people to go out of their way to care about him. This entire mess is 100% his fault and I told her that I was not going to do anymore checking in/up on him. I have to start removing myself from the situation.

Sunday I get a call and it’s him. He wanted to let me know he was checking himself out of rehab on Wednesday. Mind you, he’s about 70 miles from home. I never asked him how he was getting home because I don’t care. He went on and on about how his life is over and he can’t start over and he is going to jail and he can’t take it so he’s going to kill himself after he changes the beneficiary of the life insurance to me.

I told him to change it to the kids. I don’t want it. It’s for them. My stepkid can use it now. My son can get it when he graduates college.

I told him he was the most selfish person I’ve ever met. I can’t believe he would do that to his children. I told him this entire situation was created BY HIM. Nobody else has blame in it but him. His life has been amazing but if you talk to him it’s been nothing but shit. It just pisses me off that he can sit there and whine about life when everything was taken care of for him.

Anyway – that’s where we are today. He’s supposedly getting out of there on Wednesday and we will be going on the merry go round – again.

I can’t file for divorce until I finish my parenting classes, which are on May 20 and 27th. Then I can file. I can’t wait for this to be out of my hands for good!!!

Again, I’m the worst at keeping up!

So sorry. I feel guilty when I get to the end of my day and realize I haven’t updated, even if it’s a boring update, I want to get things off my chest. I tend to carry a lot inside and I feel like people don’t want to hear it.

For example, ran into an old coworker yesterday and she asked how things were, I started into what’s happened and she immediately said “Yup, yup” in a hurried tone, which indicated to me “yeah, same old same old, move on.” And honestly sometimes I just want someone to LISTEN to me. I know it’s been a broken record of the same shit but now I’m moving on and things are changing and I NEED to be listened to. That’s why I’m here.

It’s been a little over a week since my last post and I took a quick trip to Florida for work. Oh how I love it there. The beaches. The weather. The atmosphere. I adore the tropical environment.

STBX has his court date tomorrow morning. He is going to be facing fines and potential jail time for this. I don’t really care about that, honestly. I just want this whole thing to be done. To file for divorce and move on but there’s steps you have to go through. One of which is we both have to attend parenting classes and fill out our perspective portions of paperwork. He hasn’t been mentally available for either so I’ve just let it go. But after tomorrow we need to get on this shit. I don’t want to wait any longer. I want to be divorced by the end of the year. Start 2018 off single

Other than that things are good.

Abandonment

That was the word that kept flowing through my mind last night.

I’ve been abandoned.

Sometimes intentionally – by my ex husband.

Mostly unintentionally – by my parents dying.

And mentally by my STBX

This is why I am so lost. I don’t know how to get over that fear of abandonment. I feel as if I NEED to cling to things that need to leave me (my parent’s death – God called them home) and those that want to leave me (my ex husband – I chased him for a good year and a half after he left) and those who sucked the life out of me and I had to let go – like my STBX.

And I still find myself wanting my STBX next to me in bed at night. Just for that comfort. I don’t want the drama or the negativity that comes with him. I just want that secure feeling I got having a warm body next to me. One that I could curl up with (when allowed) – or have sex with – again, when allowed. There was always criteria with him. I couldn’t just get what I needed when I needed it.

SO WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT THAT BACK!??!?!

Because I’m just hurting and grieving over the loss. It doesn’t matter how it happened – it happened and I have to get through this.

I was alone again last night but don’t think I was lonely. I do enjoy that peaceful time to myself so much. I get to walk around my quiet house with the lights low, enjoying It’s just been a hard week with emotions and I’m allowing them to happen. I am not reaching out to him – I respond to his texts about our son with simple answers. I am polite and concise and I move on.

Today I close on the refinance of my home. I will be debt free except the house and my student loan. This is the beginning of my new life. I’m putting one foot in front of the other and not looking back.

 

Thursday Ramblings

Had another semi emotional night last night. I was kid-free and I stuffed my face with lots of delicious leftovers and binge watched Dr. Phil. I live a very exciting life.

I keep having dreams about past relationships and being hurt and losing those people to others.

I just have an issue with loss. It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent or a relationship, or even a pet. I don’t like to lose relationships. Sometimes I feel as if I’m stunted at age 14, when my dad had his massive stroke and my entire life changed. My mother was working full-time and then had to make dinner and head to the hospital to spend time with my father, who, at the time, we weren’t sure he would make it. I remember our washing machine died and we had to lug a week’s worth of laundry to get done. Just her and me. She never once complained. I could tell she was absolutely exhausted – but she NEVER complained. Shit got done and that was it.

Then my mom got sick when I was 16. My first love dumped me when I was 17. My mom died when I was 19. I got married at 23, my dad died 2 weeks before my first year wedding anniversary…..my ex husband left me 2 weeks after my birthday, in the middle of winter, broke with a mortgage due and no oil in the tank. The rest of my relationships in between my divorce with my ex and my marriage to STBX were just either flings or short stints. Nothing major there, honestly. But then I met STBX and got pregnant the first night. Our son was born 9 months to the day after we met. Those 9 months were awful. STBX was an angry drunk and I remember sitting in the car one night listening to Neil Diamond’s “Hello” and rubbing my belly and wishing my world would change. I stuck it out for 14 years.

14 years of rehabs and relapses and anger and tears and shit and financial disaster and jail and psych units and the list goes on and on.

And I am working my way through that tapestry of SHIT to find out WHO I AM. I want to know what I want. What makes me happy. And perhaps that means I will be single and carefree. And that is OK!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

Emotional again..

This is so hard.

STBX was at the house last night visiting our son. He looks ok . And part of me wanted to just run and hug him. It’s hard.

Took him back to his mom’s and took the boy food shopping. Then I had an MRI for my lower back/tailbone. If you’ve never had an MRI, they give you headphones to “cover” the noise the machine makes. I put cover in quotes because honestly nothing will 100% cover that noise, those machines are crazy loud – but I requested the 90’s station from XM Radio and every.frickin song that came on reminded me of STBX and our relationship and I was CRYING in the freaking MRI TUBE!!!! UGH!!! I adore music and how it can affect you but the LAST thing I needed was to cry in the MRI tube!

Thankfully I was able to wipe my face before they rolled me out but you knew something was wrong. Cried all the way home and composed myself before I got back in the house. I didn’t have a bad night after that but it hurts. It just hurts.

I don’t want to go back. I don’t want that life ever again. But the change hurts. I want him to be something/somebody he isn’t and he will never be that way.

I’m not afraid of being alone. I love it, actually.

I just miss the “security” I had with him. Again, in quotes, because it was all my perception of what I had. Maybe I’m as sick as he is….but I know I deserve better than how he treated me. And I’m loving this single life, as hard as it is. LOVING it. I don’t have to answer to anyone, I do what I want, I don’t have to worry about pissing someone off that I’m going somewhere, I can sleep/nap as long as I want, I make my own plans without having to consult – it really is refreshing!

But I just miss having someone to connect with. That skin to skin contact. That feeling of just enveloping yourself into someone – beyond the sex – which I haven’t had any in 4 months! UGH! Smelling him and tracing the lines of him – watching him sleep. Again, all things I truly enjoyed doing. However he was never truly “there”….I wanted him to be, but he couldn’t. He is incapable of being there. And that’s hard to know now…I wanted it for so long. I craved it. And now I know it could NEVER happen.

Life sucks sometimes.